We waited for you. We prayed for you. We knew you were coming.
After Jordan and I decided to start trying for children we found out that it may be more difficult for us to conceive. 9 months after we began trying we experienced one of the hardest things either one of us has ever gone through. We lost a child. One of the hardest parts of that whole experience was never knowing who he or she was. I never got to hold him or her. It all happened so quickly, but it will forever be a mark on my heart.
It took another year of prayers, another year of tears, another year of questions before we found out that God had blessed us once again. I couldn’t even believe the test when I saw it! God was SO generous to us. He gave us Maggie; our rainbow baby.
I was induced when Maggie was 10 days late. They took me into the hospital and put me on a low dosage of an induction drug and I waited. 30 minutes later I started to feel contractions. They weren’t painful yet, but I remembered to breathe to get through them. Breathe to get through it.
My mom and Jordan’s mom both came over and were thinking about going home, but it wasn’t long until things started moving along. The contractions grew stronger. The reality that this was happening was setting in.
Through each contraction Jordan held my hand and reminded me to breathe. “You’re doing so great, babe” he said to me over and over again. “Keep breathing. Good job, babe.”
My mom and mother in law rubbed my back through each contraction, since my back labor was very strong. I remember thinking, “I couldn’t get through these contractions without them.”
As the pain grew stronger I had lost all concept of time. I mostly had my eyes closed during contractions, so I wasn’t always aware of what was going on around me. I was so focused on the task at hand. Sometimes it was like I was seeing everything from the outside, yet I was feeling such intense pain. It was then that I asked Jordan to pray.
As he began to speak, tears streamed down his face. “God, we’ve come so far. We’ve been waiting for a long time…” All four of us wept as we remembered the journey we’d gone through and as we thanked God for the miracle he was about to do. I thanked Jesus for my husband that day and every day. That is a part of this story that I will never forget. My husband was my strength for me.
My water still had not broken, but the pressure was so intense. I remember telling my mom, “I feel like I should push.” My body was telling me what to do and I just had to listen to what it was telling me.
As I laid on my side I felt sick. It had only been a couple of hours of labor before I felt my water break. “Either my water just broke or I just peed everywhere.” Even in the midst of all the pain I was still able to find some humor in all of it. It was shortly thereafter that I began pushing and felt a pain that I could never truly describe.
I screamed. I yelled. I grunted. My husband told me he had never heard me make noises like that before. I looked at him as tears streamed down his face. He hated seeing me in so much pain. As I pushed I felt like things were progressing but I didn’t know for sure.
“Go get Dr. Perkins,” one of the nurses said.
“They’re setting up the warmer!” my mother said.
As Dr. Perkins came in she could see that Maggie was coming soon. All I could think to say was, “Please God. Please God. Please God.”
“Go into the next room and tell them to stop pushing,” said the doctor.
That was the moment I knew it was really happening. Up until then I thought everyone was just being encouraging to get me to keep going. When you’ve never experienced labor before you have nothing to compare it to. You have no idea if you are at the worst of the pain or if it’s just the beginning. In that quick moment I thought, “I may want some nitrous. I don’t know if I can do this.” But I could and I did.
“Dad, do you want to help deliver the baby?” I looked over at Jordan as the doctor looked at him.
“Uhh..yeah…sure!” He said with disbelief as he said it. Jordan was unsure if he was even going to cut the cord when it came time to do it. Yet, there was something inside of me that had always hoped he would see his daughter come into the world. I was so proud of him in the moment as I breathed between each excruciating push.
“Danielle, you can see her head. If you want you can feel her.” I reached down and could feel her head. She was really coming! It was time!
“We need to remember what song is playing when she’s born,” my mom said.
Weeks prior I had made a birth playlist with many of my favorite songs that make me feel calm. There were over 40 songs on that playlist that played during labor. Yet, Maggie waited until this moment.
Then the song came on. Not just any song. Her song. The song that I had been praying over her for weeks. The song that I knew I would sing over her when she came into the world. Yeah. That song.
“This is her song,” as I wept in pain and excitement. I couldn’t believe it. HER SONG!
“Okay, Danielle. She’s crowning. Push. That’s it. Push. Come on just ONE MORE push!”
And that was it. Her head was out. Maggie was born.
As soon as she was born they handed her to me and placed her on my chest. “She’s here. She’s finally here!” I cried as I looked at my husband. “She’s really here, and she’s perfect.” My husband bent down and kissed me as we both cried together. I couldn’t believe she was ours. I couldn’t believe after almost 2 years of waiting and praying for her that she was finally here.
It was all a blur after that. All I could see was her and my husband. All I wanted to do was hold her in my arms and kiss her sweet head. She was perfect.
As things calmed down I was able to breathe. I looked at her and prayed this song over her;
Help her to love with open arms like you do
A love that erases all the lines and sees the truth
Oh that when they look in her eyes they would see you
Even in just a smile they would feel the Father’s love
Let all her life tell of who You are
And the wonder of Your never ending love
Let all her life tell of who You are
That You’re wonderful and such a good Father
Waiting. Breathing. Pushing. Holding.
Painful, yet so miraculously beautiful.
We love you, sweet girl. I would do it all over again.
“For The One” by Jenn Johnson - Maggie's Song